Concern #3: How to deal with an upset child and tearful goodbyes at drop off

There exists a “Love and Logic Goodbye” that makes drop offs much easier at our preschool—whether you are on the “dropping off a child” end or “receiving a dropped off child” end of the interactions that occur during our school mornings. This “Love and Logic Goodbye” is based on the article “Start School with a Smile” by Dr. Charles Fay. The main premise of the article is that confidant parents tend to have confidant kids and worried parents tend to have worried kids when it comes to dropping young students off at school. We have to model the attitude that we want our children to have about being dropped off at school.  This article ties in with the emphasis on modeling attitudes for our children that the Love and Logic text has throughout its chapters. Children imitate the behavior and attitudes that we model for anything…including goodbyes at school. According to Dr. Fay, when parents spend too much time trying to calm their children’s fears about school, the child starts thinking that there must be a lot to fear if his/her parents are dedicating so much time focused on those fears.  The parent’s worry is transferred to the child and it communicates the parent’s doubt about whether the child can handle the situation on his or her own.

 The article also promotes the unprotective yet empathetic attitude that the Love and Logic text promotes when setting limits for our kids—in this case, the limit is that kids must allow themselves to be dropped off at their school without overly relying on parents during the morning transition. On the day of drop off, act like a confident parent that shows affection, tell the child you love him/her and then quickly leave despite the child’s upset reactions or separation anxiety. If a parent becomes visibly anxious or upset because of a child’s anxious or upset reaction to a good-bye, the parent’s behavior supports the idea that the child will not be okay without the parent. By leaving quickly and remaining unemotional and unprotective, parents show the child that they confidently believe that he/she can handle the situation and that he/she can face preschool and be okay without the parent. This goes in keeping with the Love and Logic principle that a parent has to give up control of a child’s situation and allow the child more control and ownership of his/her own situations. That said, one thing that might help with separation anxiety is giving the child a tour of the school before he or she starts.  As a result, I highly encourage bringing your child to co-op events planned before the actual start of school.

If the child is very upset at drop off, the parent volunteers that receive the child as the parent confidently walks away should also remain calm.  Act like you are confidant that the child will be okay and redirect the child’s attention instead of giving too much attention to the actual good-bye or the reaction that has occurred. Get the child involved in a group game or present them with a comforting toy or a comforting song that seems familiar to them. Remember to be empathetic as they deal with the good-bye without feeding into their fears. It is also useful for both the parent and parent volunteers that are dealing with the child to remind the child that the parent will see the child again right after lunch. Say it in a tone that does not make a big deal about the wait the child will have to endure until they see their parent—say it like it is very good news.

Good Luck!