In my three years
of experience at SWPCC Preschool, physical fighting, either in the form of play
or serious conflict, does become a valid concern in the upper preschool
classroom between the four and five year old boys in particular. Some of you have witnessed this fighting
and wonder what is the most appropriate way to stop the fighting using the Love
and Logic Approach. To give advice
on this particular situation, I will apply both the general Love and Logic
Approach from the text, but also a very useful article on the Love and Logic
website called: “Helping Aggressive Toddlers and Preschoolers Get Started
Before It's Too Late!.” You can access this article and all sorts of useful
articles based on the Love and Logic approach at www.loveandlogic.com.
As the author of
this article, Dr. Charles Fay, asserts, time can be our biggest ally or our
biggest enemy when it comes to dealing with aggressive behavior in young
children. It is important to
ALWAYS address aggressive behavior at our co-op preschool for the good of the
child, the safety of the children around him/her, and the sake of our
respectful positive preschool culture. As in all other cases with the Love and
Logic Approach, we need to set limits, allow for choices and apply consequences
unprotectively yet with empathy.
We set limits on a
child when they start putting their hands on another child by immediately
removing the child from the situation so that they cannot hurt anyone.
The “Uh-Oh song” is
a way to remove the child from the situation without escalating the conflict. When
a young child is behaving aggressively, sing "Uh Oh" and place the
child gently someplace else where we know the child will be safe and will not
be able to trick us into giving them more attention while they are misbehaving.
It is important to make sure to check in with a teacher about where that safe
place can be for a child that needs to be removed before the situation ever
arises. You also need to make sure that there is someone available to supervise
the child in that place. Without yelling or threatening, we remove the child
from the scene of the crime. The
key to success with the "Uh Oh Song" is to give the child little or
no attention…positive or negative…while he is being removed from the situation.
The fewer words we use while the child is misbehaving, the more effective we
will be. This idea is in keeping
with the principles of the Love and Logic textbook because it allows the
consequence of being removed from a group to teach the child about his choice
versus having the child simply get angry at us because we are lecturing him
about fighting. We are also following the Love and Logic principle of modeling
behaviors we want to see in our children because we are demonstrating to a
child a peaceful way of ending the conflict instead of reacting with aggressive
words or behavior. Our own aggressive words or behavior would be showing an
aggressive child that adults also resolve conflicts with aggression—so it is
important to stay calm and treat the child un-protectively by imposing a
consequence yet do it without anger.
Another key to success with the Uh-Oh song is to make certain that the
child is calm before he is allowed to return.
When the fighting
child is in a separate place and is calm it is important not to lecture the
child with anger. Instead we can show empathy for them as they face the consequence
for their actions. Example: “I am sorry that you will not be joining us for
outside play time in the next few minutes, but I’m sure we will have fun the
next time you can come play nicely with our friends. What are some gentle games
that you would like to play with them the next time that we get to go
outside? You can also commiserate
with the child about different options on how to react when somebody is
upsetting us. Example: “How do you think we can let Danny know next time that
we didn’t like what they were doing?” We can teach them to “use their words”
instead of their hands when they want to communicate that they want somebody to
stop doing something or when they don’t like something that is being done to
them.
Good luck! And
remember to remain calm and do not give in to anger or aggression when you see
them fight!
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