An issue that comes
up a lot at our co-op preschool is that of sharing toys with our friends in the
classroom. It is important to
address the students when they are struggling to get their hands on the same
toy before the situation escalates into a fight. We should step in A.) by
presenting choices in an affirmative way using thinking words to the child
about sharing B.) by setting
limits/imposing consequences un-protectively but with empathy C.) by modeling
attitudes and language that can be used by the children in interpersonal
interactions to facilitate sharing.
A.) When a child does not want to share a toy
with another child we can offer them options on how to share in an affirmative
way using thinking words. We can make them aware of the consequences if they do
not share using these thinking words as well. Thinking words are different than
fighting words in that they are not negative, they don’t involve put downs or
anger or threats, and they do not take away the focus on the child’s
responsibility and power to make a choice in relation to the situation at hand.
Without yelling at the child or saying “No!” in any way, we can say things
like:
“I see that you really want to
play with that toy. Should we tell our friend that we would like a two-minute
turn with it or a five-minute turn with it before they can use it? The toy will have to take a time out
and go away if it makes our friends sad because it is not being shared. Let’s
figure out a way to keep the toy available here in the play room so that we can
all stay happy”.
“Can you both help me figure out a way where
we can all play with the toy in a game together? It would be nice to be able to
keep this toy in the play room but it can only stay if it is being shared.
Should we do a toy trade for a little while between you two so that the toy can
stay? What do you think? Is that a good idea? How can we help keep this toy in
the play room? Do you have a better idea?”
B.) If the child refuses to share a toy, then we
can impose the consequence of
taking that particular toy out of the play room or yard for
the remainder of the time so that the child understands that it is not his/her
toy and that if he/she cannot share the toy then it is no longer available for
play time. The way we implement
the consequence and the way we word things around the consequence is very
important however. If the child
refuses to share after being presented with options, we swiftly and
non-emotionally (without any anger) say that the toy is no longer available and
we put it out of the child’s sight and reach. If the child becomes upset we can
say with empathy, “I know that you are very disappointed because you really
like that toy. Don’t worry, I’m sure that the toy will be available in the play
room again tomorrow and it will be nice and ready to be shared between you and
all of our other friends. If you ever want help to figure out a game where we
can all play with the toy together let me know and I can try and help with some
ideas.”
What we don’t want to do is
lecture the student about how they should have shared with their friends. This just focuses the student’s anger
on us as an authority figure that took their toy away. If, instead, we let them
know that we are in their corner and that we still like them and are available
to help them figure out how to make better choices IF they ask us for the help,
then the child tends to focus on the choice that he/she made and the
consequence for that choice without us getting in the way of the process. In
this way, the consequence becomes the learning opportunity for the child so
that he/she realizes that his/her actions led to his/her unhappy circumstances
and so that they ultimately learn the importance of sharing in a community setting.
C.) It is really important to model the
interpersonal skills and language that these preschool students need when it
comes to sharing with peers.
Students will imitate what they see and hear, so if they hear us frame
the idea of sharing in a positive way and they see us doing it often with each
other and with other preschoolers, they will pick up on this behavior as
well.
For example, if there is a new
toy in the play room we can make a big deal of the toy and say things like “Wow!
Can you believe this cool rocket! I can’t wait to share this toy with you my
friends…can you help me come up with a game where we all get a turn to play
with it together? It is so much more fun to play with a toy together than it is
to play with it all alone! I think I have a sharing game that I want to show
you with this rocket. Would you like to hear about it? Why don’t we…”
Also, always thank preschoolers
out loud for sharing with their friends when you are supervising the play area.
It is a great way to use student peers as role models and to praise (positively
reinforce) good choices about sharing.
Teach the kids/students
strategies for sharing. Teach them about taking two minute or five minute turns
and give them the language to imitate about taking turns. Example: “I am really
enjoying this toy right now. I am not ready to give it to you yet. May I please
have a two minute turn with it and then I will be ready to share it with you?”. Teach them about doing a trade. “I
would like to trade that toy you have there for this toy that you want to play
with. Is that a fair trade? Can we trade and then give our toys back when we
are ready?” Finally, teach them how to take turns picking animals, figures etc. from a pile so
that each child gets the same number of toys from a pile and it is based on
their preferences versus one child hoarding all 50 farm animal figurines for
example. Giving the students the strategies and the language to share toys in a
way they like is important.
Finally, make sure to model sharing with
other parents and teachers by always having a cheery positive attitude about
sharing whatever it is that our peers need. The children will pick up on this
attitude and figure out that it is part of the culture of their preschool and
that it is part of belonging to a community.
Good luck!
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